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Okay? Okay.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt “okay.”

That the decisions I was making and the path I wanted to be on were the same ones. Each action came with the hope that one of them would be the missing piece needed to make the picture make sense. All the decisions I blindly went along with in hopes that one of them would change my internal dial and make everything better. Everything I did was ‘right’ by societal standards but I kept feeling farther and farther away from myself. There must be something wrong with me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt “okay.”

I have not been true to myself for some time now, tiny cuts throwing everything I knew off it’ axis. I’ve been spinning away. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a fire inside me. Of true passion. Of true desire. What I have felt is that I’ve needed something more, different. Something to bring me back to life. What I didn’t mean to do was throw a grenade and hope for the best, setting the world as I knew it on fire while it happened. I didn’t mean to burn those around me that I love so dearly. I was only trying to burn myself, run, and never look back.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt “okay.”

What I have felt is a lot of pain. The kind of pain that walks a fine line with self destruction, that I happen to know so well. The kind that grips so tight and refuses to let go. The kind that wants to empty you. Make you feel absolute nothingness. Not that there was much left inside anyway. Other than maybe misery. And while misery loves company, what it really craves is connection. And attention. And it will sink its’ razor teeth into you and and it will lead you on until it gets what it wants.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt “okay.”

And then I thought I found someone that probably even thrived in it. I know I did. We shared an acceptance of the pain that you think you deserve. When misery finds that kind of connection, it becomes addictive. You’ll jump through any hoop to get another taste of feeling understood, sinking your fingers in to get a better grip as opposed to risk drowning by yourself. Your life raft becomes more about numbing by any means possible. Filling a void with consumption that only empties you further than the pain that brought you here to begin with.

It’s going to be a long time until I feel “okay.”

I’m taking it one step at a time, one day at a time, following my inner compass along the way. Reconnecting the missing dial, deciding for myself where it should point. Despite what everyone else should think. I now move through the quiet of each day gently, powerfully reconstructing myself. I am finding the healthy things that light the fire in me again, carefully and intentionally. From doing this, life has been changing pretty dramatically. And the best part? It’s going to be okay.