Today, I took real action to heal myself.
I put a name to it.
I learned about grief.
Grief is the loss of something. Psychiatrist Kübler-Ross introduces her five stage grief model in her book On Death and Dying as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
I am in the bargaining stage. Needing emotional support through others and finding healing in sharing my story. Though desperately filling the void with books, journals, support groups, spiritual guidance and hoping to skip to the part where I can find acceptance and meaning and peace.
While it is now understood that people don’t necessarily experience all 5 stages, or even in linear order, there is no magic wand to get to the end.
So some things I learned today.
David Kessler, grief expert and author, joins Brené Brown in her new podcast, Unlocking Us, to lead a conversation on what he has learned about love, loss and finding meaning. They discuss how there seems to be a movement right now where we have to be grateful to the loss. As if it is the loss itself that has shaped our new perceptions and made us stronger in the end. This is not the case. We do not have to be grateful for the moment that caused the pain and suffering. What we can be grateful for is that that person thing situation existed in the first place. And that we were able to experience all the joys it once brought. We can honor the presence it’s had in our lives. And we can honor the grief that comes with it. But we do not have to be grateful for the circumstances and I believe we do this from accepting, but not resigning.
Today I choose to honor my husband.
I am grieving the stages of ‘us’ during our relationship. I am grieving the loss of the way things once were and the knowing that things will never be that way again. I am grieving the loss of me. I am grieving the loss of him.
I am sorry I didn’t have the dialogue or acknowledgement of those grievances before. I am sorry for the judgement I allowed to feel toward you during the moments that grief entered you and me and ultimately our relationship. I am letting that judgement, fear, frustration, resentment, anxiety go so that only love is here.
I am grateful to you for choosing me. I am grateful to you during our transformative years together. I am grateful to you during our many journeys, near and far. I am grateful to you for your bravery, your vulnerabilities, your strength, your weaknesses. I am grateful for getting to see your true light. I am forever grateful for knowing a love like ours.
I am honored to be and have been your wife and to have walked this life with you.
“You don’t have to experience grief, but you can only avoid it by avoiding love. Love and grief are inextricably intertwined” - David Kessler
Source Links -
www.Facebook.com/groups/DavidKessler - Free online Facebook grief group – meets daily at 1 pm PT/4 pm ET for anyone who has had a loved one die.
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/david-kessler-and-brene-on-grief-and-finding-meaning/ - More links notated in her show notes